" All around me are familiar faces/Worn out places/worn out faces/Bright and early for their daily races/Going nowhere/going nowhere/Their tears are filling up their glasses/No expression/no expression/Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow/No tomorrow, no tomorrow
'And I find it kinda funny/I find it kinda sad/The dreams in which I'm dying/Are the best I've ever had/I find it hard to tell you/I find it hard to take/When people run in circles/It's a very, very mad world"
I currently have a very love/hate relationship with my life. I'm pretty much hating it as it stands now and has stood for the last couple months...
I think I feel like one of those people that are running around in circles. While this may be beneficial in some ways (cardio), there's still one looming truth- running around in circles gets you nowhere but where you've been before. I hate it. Despise it even! Yet here I am again: sick and tired of being sick and tired of the same stuff! Tired of praying and crying for relief but only having the matters I praying about to seemingly wax worse! Tired dammit!!!
My normal response in this time would be to consider retreating back to Dallas (my hometown) and staying a while with my folks. While it seemed a viable option in the past, I don't have that option now! Providing I pass all of my classes this semester and next semester, I'll be graduating in May. So what do I do now? "Pray" seems to be the recurring answer. So I pray for it to change and it doesn't. I pray for the strength to endure and the strength runs out. Then, just as I'm trying to push through the BS that life is handing me that seems to only validate my feelings of abandonment and my sentiments about trusting or depending on people, more BS comes streaming in!!! W.t.heck dude!!! Forreal. This ish is getting ridiculous!!! I can't go "home"! I don't have a place to retreat to here. What the hell am I supposed to do!?!?!?!? Seriously!?!?
This is the option I've come up with. If the circumstances of my life don't change in 30 days, I'm making some drastic changes! I'm walking away from some things! No, this is not a threat, and no, I have no intentions on committing suicide- my back is being pushed against the wall and I'm being forced to remain in the corner. No more!! No more!!! I can't calmy or peacefully take anymore of it!!!! This is for the birds! 4 real!!!!!!! We'll see what happens in 30 days. Hopefully, you'll hear from me before then.
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