Learning to love...

Warning and Disclaimer:
This blog is not intended for those who are "deep"= so spiritual that you have a tendency to be judgemental and not for those who get squirmish when someone talks about sex or any other thing that we all think about but don't want anyone to know. You've been warned...


We've all heard the phrase b4 "You gotta love yourself before you can love anybody...". Now, true, I am only 24 years of age, but I have learned a lot in these years. This saying, though extremely simple is probably one of the hardest things to learn to walk out. Here's why- we may love or appreciate 1 or 2 things about us, but a lot of us never really get to the point where we really love us- good and bad.


A couple of days ago, I was reading an article on sex and sexuality, and it was written from a man's perspective. In the article, the writer pointed out that there is a certain behavior that all men exhibit and explained the psychological reasons behind it. One of the points that he brought up, of course, was that men are obsessed with the size of their genitals. While this is normal, it can become unhealthy. Once the obsession begins, according to the writer, you will begin to think about other men, not because you want to have sex with them, but because you find yourself comparing yourself to them and wondering how you measure up to them. He brought out also that, when most men masturbate, they masturbate to mental fantasies or to pornography. For someone that is obsessed and not content with their "endowment", they will even begin to wish that they were the people that they saw on the pornography. They would begin to lust over the male that they see in the porn, again- not as a source of sexual desires, but because they admire the other person soo much, they wish that they were actually them. Now this may be a little extreme for some, but it doesn't even have to be porn. What about how you feel when you look at pictures of models, athletes, or people that you find attractive and believe are more attractive than you. As I sat there and read that, I begin to think, am I really content with my body. Am I satisfied with Torrey and the proportions that God has given him? Sad to say, the answer to this question is no.


Sad to say, I, like many others, discovered masturbation at an early age. In recent years, it's been an issue that I still deal with. But the motivation behind it has changed a bit. It's not so much about "getting off" all of the time. It's been 1) a stress reliever and 2) the most disturbing of all... I realized that I used masturbation as a false sense of self love. At that moment in time, I had to be in touch (no pun intended... REALLY!!!) with myself and who I was. I couldn't run from it, I couldn't think that I was someone else. I didn't focus so much on the fact that I had a gut or that I wanted to change all of these other things about me. I was just me enjoying me. But when the experience is over, the hole where the love for me is supposed to be is still empty.


Maybe it's not your body for you. Maybe you love the way you are put together! But what about the other areas that you beat yourself up over? What do you do to help you cope with that? What gives you a quick fix or temporary fill for your void? Some find their identity in the clothes they wear, cars they drive, how many people they sleep with, etc. but never really deal with the issue. I am completely aware that all of us have a God-like hole in us that only God, the one and only true and living God, can fill. But what about when you receive Christ and still have the hole. I have that exact situation.



What I am learning is that, there are things in my life that I don't like. Honestly, there is always something. To me, the "christian" thing to do was to ignore it, to discipline myself to not have to deal with it, for it not to surface. While this works for a while, I don't necessarily agree with this method. If there is something in you that you don't like or don't agree with, don't ignore it! Acknowledge that it's there! You can't solve the problem until you admit that it's a problem. There were things that I stopped doing or stopped saying when I decided to walk with the Lord, not because He irradicated the desires, but because I just thought they were things that I wasn't supposed to do anymore. But I found out that discipline and deliverace are 2 different things. One can lead to 2 but one doesn't = 2! I disciplined myself not to drink, not to cuss, not to masturbate, not to- you get the idea! That doesn't mean that the desire wasn't there anymore! After living like this for a number of years, I made a decision that many may consider controversial. With the exception of the one's that He truly has delivered me from, that I was going to stop trying to repress, ignore, bury the others. Why- because I can't admit them, lay them at His feet until I really admit that they are there. Some things are wrong because they are sin. Some things our spirits convict us of. But there are some things that we allow others to convict us for! People aren't God. I am realizing that! If God is not convicting me of something that He has not showed me is sin via His Word or unpleasing to Him, then who are you to try to take His place, do His job, or make me conform to your level of conviction?!?! Notice that I said if it's not something that He hasn't shown to be sin via His word. I'm not talking about the things that He has clearly given us commandment not to do.


I am having to learn to put the Serenity Prayer in action. We're all familiar with the first part- but here is it in it's entirety.



God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

--Reinhold Niebuhr


Easier said than done, I assure you.

Accepting the things I can't change! Hard pill to swallow! I have to accept me for me. Love me for me- my good with my bad. Realize that it's all me! and believe it or not, it's all God- if He made me to be who I am, then He allowed things in this life- not so good things- to help shape me into who He desires that I become. So maybe for me to get to where I am supposed to be, I'm supposed to have an attitude, a gut, sing with a raspy voice, have small eyes, a big head, and talk funny. No, they're not all necessarily desirable traits, but they're MY traits! No I shouldn't wanna cuss you out, or whatever else I shouldn't want to do, but I do. And I am still under process. Some things are not going to change, but it's all me, all the way God intended! Have I arrived yet- of course NOT!!! This just came to my lap. Now it's time for me to, not complain about the parts that I can or can't change, but to accept the ones I can't and gain the discipline to change the ones that I can! That's what's up in a real way!!!!

My Soul is tired...

Seeking refuge in a world of war
Soul seeking
Searching
I'm yearning for more
More than this life I live from day to day
Trying to remember there's gotta be more the more my heart breaks
I've grown tired
Soul weary
Dreary days seem to await
Holding back tears in my swollen eyes
Ready for my earth to quake
Passions running white-hot inside of me
No outlet, only closed doors
Wanting to profit from the gifts but not willing to use them like whores
I'm tired.
Tired of hearing what He's gonna do
Ready for Him to do it.
Patience is a virtue
But when my heart views the place that I am in vs. the place that He's promised me
Hell, that ain't no comparison.
The only guarantee for me are words that were wispered long ago...
Did I hear you?
Do you feel the same way?
Have I crushed your plans with all of my mistakes?
And if it's not me, what is it that's causing the anti-me barrier to almost crush me from the inside and out.
Doubts about who I am to be clouding me
Stressing so much that I can't even remember a good nights sleep
Living with a family that loves me but it seems they need me to not be here
In love with a woman 300 miles away both wishing she was here.
I'm tired...
Tired in my very core
Sore at the way the pages turn
Longing for the pain to cure
Heart hurting in a way that I can't massage away
I just need...
I just need...
Rest God!
Give me rest please!!!!
I'm tired!!!!
Can't you hear me!!!
I'm tired!!!!
If you really care about me, then come see about me
Let me know that you're here in a real way
I'm tired and I'm waiting on the only one that can to come and take this pain away.

Round and Round

So I'm in Dallas- it's Spring break for me and all. I get to Dallas and have this "interesting" conversation with my father and my brother where they find out that I'm still a virgin. They didn't know- just assumed that I'd had sex before since everyone else in the family has. And of course, in the grand history of men everywhere, they give me a hard time about it. And I'm letting them know that I'm waiting until I get married. They are telling things that I can do that are "like" sex but not actually sex and I'm like, nah, I'm chillin. This conversation goes on for the rest of the day. It's like people have this perception that virgins don't want to have sex or there's something wrong with them because they haven't. I'm here to tell you that this is not the case- we have desires just like everyone else. I know for me, there have been plenty of times where I've planned to go down that road, and (sometimes MIRACULOUSLY) something would happen and it wouldn't go down. And now that I've settled it within myself that I'm not going to have sex before marriage, it gets harder. It's like the enemy knows the resolve that I have in that area and he's trying to see how far he can push me until I fall. I pray I don't! There are some other things that go along with this conversation that I will wait to discuss another day.