Sad but True

My sentiments in this blog are best expressed through a monologue reading of the lyrics to Mad World by Tears for Fears.

" All around me are familiar faces/Worn out places/worn out faces/Bright and early for their daily races/Going nowhere/going nowhere/Their tears are filling up their glasses/No expression/no expression/Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow/No tomorrow, no tomorrow

'And I find it kinda funny/I find it kinda sad/The dreams in which I'm dying/Are the best I've ever had/I find it hard to tell you/I find it hard to take/When people run in circles/It's a very, very mad world"

I currently have a very love/hate relationship with my life. I'm pretty much hating it as it stands now and has stood for the last couple months...

I think I feel like one of those people that are running around in circles. While this may be beneficial in some ways (cardio), there's still one looming truth- running around in circles gets you nowhere but where you've been before. I hate it. Despise it even! Yet here I am again: sick and tired of being sick and tired of the same stuff! Tired of praying and crying for relief but only having the matters I praying about to seemingly wax worse! Tired dammit!!!

My normal response in this time would be to consider retreating back to Dallas (my hometown) and staying a while with my folks. While it seemed a viable option in the past, I don't have that option now! Providing I pass all of my classes this semester and next semester, I'll be graduating in May. So what do I do now? "Pray" seems to be the recurring answer. So I pray for it to change and it doesn't. I pray for the strength to endure and the strength runs out. Then, just as I'm trying to push through the BS that life is handing me that seems to only validate my feelings of abandonment and my sentiments about trusting or depending on people, more BS comes streaming in!!! W.t.heck dude!!! Forreal. This ish is getting ridiculous!!! I can't go "home"! I don't have a place to retreat to here. What the hell am I supposed to do!?!?!?!? Seriously!?!?

This is the option I've come up with. If the circumstances of my life don't change in 30 days, I'm making some drastic changes! I'm walking away from some things! No, this is not a threat, and no, I have no intentions on committing suicide- my back is being pushed against the wall and I'm being forced to remain in the corner. No more!! No more!!! I can't calmy or peacefully take anymore of it!!!! This is for the birds! 4 real!!!!!!! We'll see what happens in 30 days. Hopefully, you'll hear from me before then.

The fall of a great man

So today is an interesting day for me. I am now preparing myself to go to a funeral. It's the funeral of Byron Bell, a young man that served as a mentor and big brother to me for 4+ years. It's funny, but for the first time, I'm experiencing that "I wish I could have said..." Syndrome. I had not spoken with him in a while. I changed churches last year and didn't really talk to him that often. Now he's with God, and I'm here missing him and allowing myself for the first time to deal with the emotions about it. I'm really trying to learn how to deal with death and those that have a relationship with the son of God. On one hand, I am soo happy and even envy him a bit. On the other hand, I think about those who will miss him, the family and friends left behind who have to learn how to live with the void. God, thank you for Byron Bell! Thank you for the lives he touched! Thank you for the relationships and most importantly, for him having a relationship with you! I'll see both of you on the other side! As you have proclaimed, so shall it be.

PS- if you read this, please keep his wife, 2 little girls , and family in your prayers.
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Selling Myself?

Greetings, my blog-reading community. It's been a while! Since the last time you heard from me sooo much has gone on... Too much to try to go back and catch you up on so I will start with todays breaking news.

So a few moments ago, one of my friends called me to ask me about a recent decision I made. Who knew that this one little convo would lead to such a revelation. The question she asked me was, "So why did you decide to become a vegetarian for 2 weeks?" (Aside- yes, I'm trying out vegetarian life for 2 weeks... Keep reading to find out why.) I explained to her that it was a decision that I made that was serving a couple purposes:

1. Because I'd been eating a lot of greasy junk food due to scheduling constraints and financial issues.

2. I'd been back and forth with myself for months about the idea of becoming a vegetarian. I'm one of those people that don't like to wonder about stuff for too long. Eventually, I have to try or attempt it and have a life experience to reference in my making a decision about some things. It was no different with my lifestyle as it relates to eating.

3. I'm striving to reintroduce some discipline into my life. From waking up early, to studying, meditating, working out, etc. I saw this as another opportunity to gain and apply some discipline.

So then she proceeded to ask me, "So with the jewelry that you were giving away, what made you start making it?" Recently, I gave away some jewelry pieces that I'd made a litte while ago. The story behind which is the basis of this blog. "Do you really wanna know?", I replied? She made it clear that she did.

I explained to her that I used to desire to own my own clothing line back in the day. One of them was geared toward women. Well, when my ex-fiance and I broke up, I threw myself into making jewelry for that line. I would make earrings and necklaces. I had already decided that I would refuse to make more than one of the same pair. I wanted each to be unique- 1 of a kind. It was the way I coped with the breakup. I would wake up in the morning and make jewelry. Get dressed. Go to work and come home and make jewelry. For weeks I would do this. I would let my hands create while I thought about the fact that my relationship had fallen apart. If I thought about that too much or got to an area that I didn't really wanna think about, I would just focus on the jewelry. Eventually, I would stop- at the point when I was convinced I was " over it". But that's not the end of the story... I never really sold much of the jewelry because I wasn't really driven to sell it nor did I wanna be the "strange" guy that went around selling women's jewelry that he made himself.

Now comes the part that shook my foundation. As I sat there explaining to my friend the detail I put into making all the jewelry different and that I refused to duplicate it, and I was explaining to her what I thought was my "healing" process, these words came out: "... I guess I was making myself." Those words shocked both of us and she asked for clarification. Not even feeling in control of my mouth or thoughts, I explained to her that maybe the reason I made every piece different from the other and refused to duplicate them is because that's how I see myself. I don't see myself like every other guy, or any particular group of guys. I generally don't fit in with them for the most as far as interests, conversations, dress, etc. Then it came out-"... And maybe I made myself into pieces of jewelry because I wanted to know that I'd be desired by women in light of my relationship falling apart. I wanted someone to desire me enough to be willing to pay for me= willing to make the sacrifice required to make the relationship work and to be willing to give of herself that she may fully receive me. I was making myself with the hope of selling myself!" I was enduring this labor the hope of somebody seeing something in me worth sacrificing for, worth loving, worth adoring and making an integral part of their day to day lives. As I stated earlier, I didn't go off selling the jewelry and maybe sold 4-5 pieces out of the close to 100+ I had! It stayed in a jewelry box where it ran over due to the fact that there were soo many pieces. I'd tried to sell it to friends and hadn't gotten any buyers. So it stayed in the box- I was convinced that no one wanted to buy this jewelry I'd spent all this time, energy, and money making. Sure, they would take it for free, but not make the sacrifice.

As I sit here, the mentality that I developed about that jewelry resonates soo much with the way I feel about me and the self-esteem issues I have. I have plenty of friends receiving the free version of a relationship with me but no one in the picture willing to make that sacrifice or desiring me that I desire back to build an intimate and growing relationship with. There's always God as I'm sure many of you want to remind me of and I know that but you get the picture. I'm speaking of here on Earth.

I think about the fact that beyond the jewelry, I did go through a season of making myself in hopes of being desireable. I went through this season of intensely working out and trying to dress better in hopes of making myself into this guy that was attractive to people. And while I did attract some people, it was not who and or what I was looking for or hoping would come along. Sure, I got comments, " Oh, you're losing weight!" "Looking good, keep it up." Etc... But that didn't bring what I thought it might. So when situations arose that would make it easy for me to excuse myself from working out, I took the route of the excuses and stopped. Wrong motivation subconsciously made that possible. So here I sit, slowly fluxuating in weight, longing to be desired and having finally gotten rid of all that jewelry- I gave it away to church members and friends. I recognize the problem now thanks to the revelation that God gave tonight! Now I just have to find- or wait for- the healing solution.

/end/
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Mojitos and Insomnia Don't Mix!

Sooo.... yeah.... this last week has been really interesting for me. For one thing, I experienced some insomnia for the first time. And I'm not talking about that I sleep 2-3 hours wake up for a few and do that over and over again! I'm talkin about some, the last night I was able to sleep was thursday and it's sunday and I still can't sleep. So I went to Dallas on the Greyhound on Friday afternoon. A busride that was supposed to take only 4 hours took more like 5.5 hours! Rain, traffic, etc. I feel that this story may best be explained through some form of timeline

1:45p- The time that the but that I'm SUPPOSED to be on leaves Houston. It was overbooked!

2:30p-The time the other bus is supposed to leave.

3:30ish- We finally start loading the bus only to find out that they don't quite have a driver for the bus yet

3:55- The driver finally shows up and we leave

4:55- still in Houston city limits thanks to rain and traffic
*some dude on the bus is coughing like he has the BLACK LUNG!!! Eeew!!!
* This couple sitting across from my smells like eurine!!

845- finally make it to Dallas

130am- decide to go to sleep

4am- wake up
6am-try to go back to sleep
6-1030- give up on trying to sleep
1030am Saturday- Sunday 11ish PM- LONG Time running together!!!
*so saturday night, I go out to eat with Friends and have a Mojito- 30minutes later, I realize, not eating+no sleep+ Mojito= REALLY SLEEPY feelings!!!!!
* Saturday night, no sleep

Sunday morning 615am- leave the house on the way to the airport
730- Plane leaves
830- Arrive in Houston
* Still no sleep

930- arrive at church
1230- Leave Church

Don't actually go to sleep until between 12 and 1 sunday night!

All of this equals the longest weekend ever!!!! Horrible. Back to sleeping normally now, thank God. So yeah, that's it!

Many ask the question, why couldn't you sleep? I realized that I was stressing about a lot of stuff. Stuff that I shouldn't have been! It snatched my sleep. And then, when I calmed down, I was able to sleep that I couldn't sleep because I wasn't resting in God and His promises. So the way that I was acting spiritually made me unable to sleep in the natural. Sucks, huh!?!?

Without a Paddle

After a week of being in the city that I grew up in (Dallas!!), I'm back in Houston. There's something different this time though. New challenges. A need for a new outlook. A need for... A couple thousand dollars!! My car is back in Dallas- unable to traverse the highways and city streets. It's my fault really. I neglected it until there was no point of return. Now, it sits there, lying dormant in wait for it's careless caretaker to bring it back to life...

I went to Dallas to spend time with my family and to attend a conference for my fraternity. It was good to see old faces and to play catch-up. Outside of the usual awkward moments and family quarrels, it was quite a decent trip. But alas, there is a new grind to be on and plans to be made. Will I win, or will the circumstances get the best of me? Only time will tell. Until next time, you stay classy, Planet Earth!

Where did the fire go?

There is a jazz standard entitled "Sophisticated Lady". The opening lines of the song are:

"They say into your early life romance came. And in this heart of yours burned a flame. A flame that flickered one day then died away. Then, with disillusion deep inside, you learned that fools in love grow wise. The years have changed you somehow. I see it now."

While this posting will not necessarily about love, the sentiments of it apply across the board. We all of us have felt passionate about something at one time or another. Whether it be music, work, growth, etc. What happens though when that passion dies? This question arises in me because there was a "thing" that I was passionate about that I'm not soo passionate about anymore. The funny thing about it is that I think on some level I was praying to not be passionate about it anymore and now that I feel that taking place, it scares me. This particular thing was the source of a lot of work, labor, and sacrifice for me. Somewhere along the way though, I didn't feel that it was meeting the needs that I had for it to meet and I got burned out. This made me want to go elsewhere to try to get those needs met. While the grass may not necessarily be greener on the other side, part of the attraction is that it's simply different grass from where I've been grazing. So then the question becomes- do I just adopt the "if it ain't broke then don't try to fix it" mentality and just stay where I am or do I go into this new territory and try to find out what the grass over there is like for myself? One of the things that comes into play is the fact that I don't like to back-track. So if I go to the other side only to realize that it doesn't hold what I think it does, am I going to be willing to say that I am wrong and try to go back to my first grazing area? Am I going to just choose to stay there? or am I going to just decide that neither of them work for me and just leave grazing alone all together? Only time and God know the answer. I do know this though, a decision needs to be made and if the grass that I am on now is where I need to be grazing, then the passion that I lost, the flame that flickered one day is going to have to be re-lit. Otherwise, let the fence crossing commence. 2.

The Convenient Application of an Inconvenient Truth

What is the truth? Once we discover something that we believe to be the truth, do we allow that truth to effect our lives and if so, how much? There's a song by India.Arie called "The Truth" and the chorus to it goes as follows:

"Cus he is the truth
Said he is so real...
And if I am a reflection of Him/ then I must be fly/ Because his light/it shines so bright/I wouldn't lie"

Then there is another song that goes "He will be there for you/ He will always come through/ Yes He's God, he is the truth."

For me, the "He" and the "God" = The Trinity: God the Father, Jesus the Christ, and the Holy Spirit. I am not not ashamed to confess that I am a Christian-not in the super-religious, judgmental, condemning kind of way as many take that to be. Moreso in the I love Jesus, I'm striving to grow from His teachings, and I want to be as real, loving and truthful as he was kind of way. That being said, my truth is the teachings of and life of Christ that are found in the Bible. This particular blog posting is my analysis of the way those that confess to be Christians handle this Truth.

It seems to me that if you feel that the truth you believe or accept is life-changing, then it should do just that: change your life. I am not speaking of performance or trying to make yourself seem as though you are something that you are not, but there should be evidence of growth (or for that matter effort towards growth) toward what it is you say you are striving to do or be. Granted, no one is going to be on it all the time and there is a guarantee that, if you are human, you are going to mess up! That's kind of a part of the game! I think that there is an issue that needs to be addressed as it relates to what we do with the truth.

I titled this post "A Convenient Application of an Inconvenient Truth" because of my belief that this is how many of us as Christians live our lives (myself included!). The fact of the matter is that the teachings of Christ and obedience to him go against our very nature. In order for us to realize the value of these truths, to allow these truths to be applied to our lives, and to see the change that these truths bring about, we have to unlearn our old way of thinking and doing things and allow God to reprogram us to see and do things his way. Instead of giving ourselves to this process whole- heartedly, many of us just decide what areas we are going to allow to be exposed to the truth and don't allow it (the truth) to go much further than our parameters. The areas that we don't necessarily want to change or fear what that change could be, we keep to ourselves. It becomes a sort of " God you handle that stuff, and I'll handle this stuff." We conveniently apply the truth to try to cater God to our lives instead of turning them (our lives) over to Him.

I will refrain from giving examples but ask yourself, am I allowing God to deal with every area of my life or am I trying to make Him fit through the rat maze that I call my life-only allowing Him to go the areas that I've set up for him to go. The only reason that Jesus was soo effective was because of how much he yielded Himself to God the Father. He learned obedience and the more He did, the more He grew and the more effective he became. Let us dare to be the frontiersmen that go into the unknown territory. Better yet, let's commit to let God go into the areas that we've sought to keep Him out of for so long. The result, we will truly be reflections of Him- fly and all. Others will be drawn to us as we submit and yield ourselves to Him and we can direct them to the truth whose presence is evident in our lives. I once saw a bumper sticker that said, "Be a revolutionary, practice your faith!" That is what I would challenge all of us do with this one addendum, practice it whole-heartedly.

Free to be...

You know, I am starting to realize more and more I have to be me and learn to be comfortable in my own skin. To love myself and all of my beautiful hangups (LOL). But, in light of recent events, I am realizing even more how much better life would be if everyone would just be real with everyone else, and MORESO with themselves. There are things about myself that I may not necessarily be happy with or fully comfortable with but I do recognize that they are a part of what makes me Me. In this new vein of life that I am in, I just need people around me that are 100 proof! I don't think people realize how much easier it is to not have to try to live a lie- maybe not even live a lie as much as have to make up one for everything that happens. It should be said that, being that we are all adults, we are all responsible for our actions. I'm no different from the next person. I am, however, willing to accept my part in the things that happen in my life. One thing about maturing is that you have to realize that you can't "justify" everything that happens with an excuse for why it happened. You have to, at some point, be willing to admit, "yes, this happened because I allowed it to or because I wanted it to". One way that we remove ourselves from the outpour of responsibility is by making light of situations or placing blame for everything that happens on some outside force. Take my advice people, be real with yourself and you will learn to be real with others. At that point, you'll find that there is no time to be judgmental because you recognize the beams in your own eyes. You learn to accept people and love people in their real state, not in the one that they feel that have to make you believe is really them. The most uncomfortable thing is learning to be comfortable with yourself. But it's soo much better when you do. Just my advice...

Life Lesson #2: Friendships

Greetings all! First off, let me say thank you to those of you who take the to actually come and read these things-a special thank to those who leave comments and feedback.So... friendship! I could start this blog off with a webster's dictionary definition of the word but I think I will refrain from doing so. When you think about friendship, what do you think? Is it having someone that you can talk to? Depend on? Relate to? Spend time with? Whatever it is that you think about one thing that I have learned is that a friendship involves @ least 2 beings. For the sake of this blog, I shall define friendship as "the relationship held between two beings that have a higher level of affinity and rapport between them than that which is associated with colleagues or strangers". (I know that is a bit wordy but just work with me) Friends, in my life anyway, are the people who relate to you, confide in you, spend time with you and the pleasures formentioned are reciprocated. There is one thing about friendship that I have found to be true that I don't think can be found in the dictionary (this is the heart of this blog) is:TRUE FRIENDSHIP CAN NOT EVER EXIST ONLY ON THE TERMS OF ONE OF THE PARTIES INVOLVED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!When it starts to do so, it is no longer a friendship but instead becomes a manipulated relationship!!! This means that IF someone is truly your friend (key word being truly) then you can't just cut them off because they upset you. You can't just decide that this 1 thing took place that I didn't like so I need to treat them like I would treat any common colleague or stranger. That's not friendship. NOTE: I AM NOT TALKING ABOUT REMAINING IN UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS!! I believe that you can assess your relationships and tell whether or not they are unhealthy or draining. The ones that we do find to be unhealthy, we should make the proper adjustments.

BUT, the ones where we know and recognize that the good outweighs the bad, that are with people that are tried and true friends, those are the ones we should cherish and strive to strengthen and grow. Maybe part of the problem is that we don't recognize just how valuable and uncommon True friends are. I for one am very cautious about who I refer to as a friend! The reason for this is because I know that everyone is not meant to be my and your friend. I also recognize that true friendship requires vulnerability and we all know that's never been the easy thing to do (making yourself vulnerable that is...). But we do it anyway because of the confidence that we have in our friends and the trust that we have built in them. That's part of what being a friend is. It also involves being Truthful about happenstances and other things. We have to be willing to talk through rough spots and unpleasant things. I don't wish to rant on ad on about this but I will say this- Recognize friendship for the precious commodity that it is and treat your friends as such. Value them, appreciate them, and throw out the notion that because something happens that you don't agree with or that is not on your terms that you have the right and privelige to dismiss them. If you are going be friends BE FRIENDS! Talk through issues. How do you think the relationship gets strengthened?!? That is all, good day... I SAID GOODDAY!!!